Welcome to HR- A Spurlock's Coffee Story

 

       Allie from Spurlock's Corporate had arrived for the promotion evaluation. It was a lazy Sunday afternoon and no one was in the place save for two baristas behind the counter and the store manager. Allie was dressed in comfortable black slacks and a dark red polo shirt with the tiny little smiling harpy logo on the left breast. She was a slim woman of medium height with bright eyes and a just perfectly messy mane of hair. Smiling came easily to her and she had a sort of folksy American charm. It was hard to tell exactly where she came from. The smell of coffee permeated the shop. Spurlock's was the world's leading supplier of coffee.

    Sara, a tall birdlike lady with green eyes and little wire rim spectacles chirped at her. “You must be Allie from corporate! It's just an absolute pleasure to meet you!” Allie smiled warmly and shook the taller woman's hand. Regulation cheerfulness. Just the way corporate liked em. I bet she even watched all the training videos and memorized every single liquid on the bar. Allie considered her for a long moment. Quirked her mouth to one side. “Hi, friend,” She replied in a saccharine tone.

    Anna, the youngest member of the crew working that day looked up from tending the register and shivered. The lady from corporate was so, friendly. So nice. But something about her eyes. Her perpetually amused eyes seemed to scream out that she knew a really, really good secret.

    Allie caught the small girl with the pale blonde hair staring at her. That was interesting. Usually, no one took note of her. Most folks were oblivious to her particular disarming brand of folksiness. Allie smiled at her, unperturbed and walked with Sara into the back. Two more supervisors awaited in the back room. Allie sighed with satisfaction. It was always nice when she could get all the inspections and harvests done in one single sweep. She hated having to make extra trips.
    Sara had been droning for the last few minutes. “We love these new machines! The Hydrogen Blast Brew is selling really well.” The other two, a boy and a girl, both chimed in with the customary boot licking. Everyone was looking good. Young, healthy. Good stock for corporate. Sara kept talking the corporate line. The supervisors were practically salivating at the prospect of promotion. It's so easy, Allie mused.

“It's a little slow on Sundays but...”

Allie yawned. “Shut the fuck up, Sara.”

    Wide eyes. Gasps. A small nervous laugh. Allie adored this part. The world runs on expectations and agreements. Defy everyone's expectations and suddenly, they will blink. And a blink, as Allie has been taught, is all you need.

    As Sara blinked, Allie pulled a Cold Steel K-Bar knife from her belt and sliced her throat in one deft motion. With lethal practiced grace she danced to the other two and severed their carotid, brachial, and femoral arteries before they could make a sound. Allie noted with a smile that she had avoided the blood spray handily. It's the little things that make for job satisfaction.

    As the young man with blonde hair and a brave attempt at beard growth came back carrying a rack for the syrups, doubtless to clean it up in the sink, his eyes widened at the carnage spread before him. He yelped once and Allie put a throwing knife through his left eye. He gurgled and fell down. Had to move fast now. That blonde at the counter would be running back to see what happened to her co-worker. But... seconds passed. And no one came. Allie frowned. This was an irregularity. Her brows furrowed and she stepped over the still twitching blonde guy. Then a napkin dispenser hit her across the temple.

    Allie had gone to the Spurlock's job fair not long after High School. She was a pretty decent student. Liked animals. Had worked for a bit for Sonic as a teenager but she wanted something more. She felt increasingly unfulfilled. So there she was wandering around the job fair with its jolly red and white harpy logos and the typical assortment of would-be baristas and managers when she saw a small table with the humble placard that declared a Human Resources Representative was sitting behind it.
A short unassuming man with dark skin and an easy smile greeted her: “Well hello there! How are you doing today little lady? I'm Lawrence and how may I be of service?”

    Allie looked at him stunned. He was wearing a very nice dark suit. Neatly pressed with a lovely, tasteful tie and a shirt so bright and white it was nearly cartoonish. He chatted with her about the usual boring life stuff. Friends. Family. School. Pets. Without missing a beat Lawrence asked: “Allie, have you ever wanted to kill people and get paid really well for it?”

She stared at him, open mouthed and started to chuckle. “What?”

His deep brown eyes darkened. His face turned to stone. “Did I stutter?”
Allie stopped smiling. She should have been terrified, or creeped out. Or something. Instead she felt the answer come from the depths of her guts in a small quiet voice: “Oh God, yes.”

    “Great!” Lawrence's face lit up. “You're hired. Can you make orientation tomorrow? There is no problem with that?”
Allie grinned. “None at all, friend.”
    The little barista was out the door as Allie recovered from the blow. She had managed to roll with the impact. Damn if that little gal didn't have an arm on her. She was screaming as she ran out into the hot Georgia sun. “God damn it. I'm gonna have to fill out an incident report.”
    Anna was quick. She had made short work of the parking lot and was making for the main street where she could flag down someone for help. The Sheriff's office was down a few blocks if she could just make it. I want to live! She screamed silently as her lungs burned and she pumped her legs faster and faster. Maybe there would be someone at the bus stop. A sharp pain lanced through her right calf and she fell to the pavement.

    Allie smiled. Her aim with the throwing knife had been true. Interfering with the girl's ability to run without causing permanent damage. She grabbed a fist full of thin blonde hair and dragged her back to the shop.

    A young hipster with a fastidiously curled and waxed mustache and neatly trimmed beard stood before the counter transfixed by his phone. He didn't even look up when Allie dropped Anna to the floor, shaking more sobs from her.

The rail thin man with his ultra groomed facial hair and chestnut brown man bun looked up and started to turn to face the sounds behind him. Allie inserted a slim blade into the back of his neck, severing his spinal cord. He dropped paralyzed to the floor, his brain desperately trying to force his lungs to breathe but the wires had been severed forever. His face twitched. His eyes pleaded.
“You picked a bad time for your mocha chip what-the-fuck, friend.”
    The blonde girl, Anna was what her name tag said, was trying to force herself to stand on a leg that wouldn't work. Allie was losing patience. “Little girl, if you even think about going outside again, I'm gonna let you join Mr. Mocha Chip here choking to death on the floor.

Anna was crying, but it wasn't the typical oh God why me crying that Allie normally saw.

    “I'll kill you bitch!” The little lady chanted through clenched teeth. Her face was contorted with the fury of a dying animal.

“Language, Anna! And don't be so dramatic. I gotta call corporate.”

Anna's eyes widened.

Allie pulled out her corporate cell and dialed.

“Yeah. There was a problem. She managed to escape but I neutralized her.” She leaned against the counter. Anna felt the world spinning with confusion.
“No, she's alive. Uh huh. Yeah. So keep her alive? Cool, thanks... Send in clean up and I'll give her the pitch, get her bandaged and cleaned up... Gotcha! Thanks a bunch!”
Allie hung up the phone and set about tending to Anna's wounded leg.
“Yeah that's gonna need some stitches.” Allie clucked her tongue.
“You fucking cut me you psycho!” Anna winced as the blade slid out of ther calf and Allie applied pressure.
“So... Do you want to kill people and get paid a lot of money to do it? Spurlock's will train you.” Allie asked.

“I want to kill you.” Anna said, rage rumbling in her belly.

Allie chuckled. “You have what it takes, no doubt. Seriously, do you want to come work with me in HR?”

    Anna was about to say something smart assed when the Spurlock's trucks pulled up. Men and women in white scrubs and aprons filed in. In minutes they were using bone saws to dismember the corpses. The smell of hot sawed bone mingled with roasted coffee and coppery blood. The pieces of her co-workers and the customer were packed into ice chests and sealed up.

This was real. This was really happening. She made her decision.

“What's it pay?”

“High six figures to start, plus bonuses.” Allie finished taping up the bandage. “Oh and we will definitely cover this little on the job incident. No medical bills for you!”

“Sounds good,” said Anna.

“Welcome to HR, friend.”