Taking Action Badly to Relieve my Anxiety

     A lot of really bleak stuff is happening in the United States right now and I am scared. So I decided to take some action to relieve my anxiety. I don't know if it is just a me thing but taking action no matter what reduces my anxiety level. Maybe it is some sort of ingrained idea that if death, horror, and whatnot find me doing something it won't be so bad. I have no clue how that would work but it seems like something that my subconscious mind might believe. I have not posted a blog in weeks so it seems like a good time to abandon my lofty goals of writing about self defense or the general feelings I have in the wake of Roe v Wade being overturned and just do something to stave off the mad restlessness I feel fluttering in my chest.

    I think that is what is keeping the world going right now. In spite of the darkness we have this absurd need to do something. Anything. Whether it will actually help or not. I don't know what is going to happen. I am preparing to leave my home and travel to a new place where I don't really know anyone or have any connections. And that feels terrifying. However, the idea of remaining where I am is a bit more terrifying. All I have ever wanted is to be left alone to pursue my own little interests of writing, martial arts, playing role-playing games, and just living my life in peace. I now find myself feeling beset and threatened with increasing intensity. These feelings of hope and hopelessness, desire for a new beginning and resentment of the dissolution of my life vie with each other with great intensity. I hate this whole thing. 

    My mother passed away in 2001. She died and a series of events happened that ended with me moving to Texas, where I live currently. I am tired of being blown about by circumstances. I want agency in my life. I want to choose where I live and what career I work at. I want to live in peace. This feeling reminds me of that time when a frightened, worried Justina ran off to start a new life. This time I am not doing that. I am choosing to do this. There are reasons for this choice that are beyond my control, however I want to imbue the move with some intention, some volition of my own. I am not comfortable sharing where I will be moving to right now. I don't feel safe and I also don't want to jinx this plan. 

    Here I am taking action, no matter how poorly it may be, to calm the anxiety. I will keep posting here and on my Twitter as things progress. I am happy to report that writing has helped. Thank you for reading this. I appreciate you.

Also, if you have the resources and want to help, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi. Every little bit helps.

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